Perfectionism

 "The Perfect Problem"

By Brooklyn Hughes Roemer (BA ’22) in the Spring 2025 Issue, BYU Magazine

Jenet Jacob Erickson (BS ’97, MA ’00), a religion professor and family life researcher, says parents can watch how their children respond to failure. “Are they really dysregulated by what they perceive as failure?” Nobody likes failing, but especially strong reactions—be they tantrums, panic attacks, or depressive episodes—can signal that perfectionism is at play....

“Kids are really perceptive,” Erickson says, and they can inherit unhealthy perfectionistic mindsets from their parents: “When parents have high expectations for their children, frequently express criticism or disappointment, and then withdraw love by either not being as happy, not being as loving, not being as connected, then children are more likely to develop toxic perfectionism.”

 

Worthiness Is Not Flawlessness

By Bradley R. Wilcox

Second Counselor in the Young Men General Presidency

Some mistakenly receive the message that they are not worthy to participate fully in the gospel because they are not completely free of bad habits. God’s message is that worthiness is not flawlessness.¹¹ Worthiness is being honest and trying. We must be honest with God, priesthood leaders, and others who love us,¹² and we must strive to keep God’s commandments and never give up just because we slip up.¹³ Elder Bruce C. Hafen said that developing a Christlike character “requires patience and persistence more than it requires flawlessness.”....

One young man I’ll call Damon wrote: “Growing up, I struggled with pornography. I always felt so ashamed that I could not get things right.” Each time Damon slipped, the pain of regret became so intense, he harshly judged himself to be unworthy of any kind of grace, forgiveness, or additional chances from God. He said: “I decided I just deserved to feel terrible all the time. I figured God probably hated me because I wasn’t willing to work harder and get on top of this once and for all. I would go a week and sometimes even a month, but then I would relapse and think, ‘I’ll never be good enough, so what’s the use of even trying?’”

At one such low moment, Damon said to his priesthood leader: “Maybe I should just stop coming to church. I’m sick of being a hypocrite.”

His leader responded: “You’re not a hypocrite because you have a bad habit you are trying to break. You are a hypocrite if you hide it, lie about it, or try to convince yourself the Church has the problem for maintaining such high standards. Being honest about your actions and taking steps to move forward is not being a hypocrite. It is being a disciple.”¹⁶ This leader quoted Elder Richard G. Scott, who taught: “The Lord sees weaknesses differently than He does rebellion. … When the Lord speaks of weaknesses, it is always with mercy.”...

Damon said: “The only time I had turned to God in the past was to ask for forgiveness, but now I also asked for grace—His ‘enabling power’ [Bible Dictionary, “Grace”]. I had never done that before. These days I spend a lot less time hating myself for what I have done and a lot more time loving Jesus for what He has done.”...

Instead, they started with small, reachable goals. They got rid of the all-or-nothing expectations and focused on incremental growth, which allowed Damon to build on a series of successes instead of failures....

Elder D. Todd Christofferson has counseled: “To deal with something [very] big, we may need to work at it in small, daily bites. … Incorporating new and wholesome habits into our character or overcoming bad habits or addictions [most] often means an effort today followed by another tomorrow and then another, perhaps for many days, even months and years. … But we can do it because we can appeal to God … for the help we need each day.”...

Remember change is possible, repentance is a process, and worthiness is not flawlessness....

Some mistakenly receive the message that God is waiting to help until after we repent. God’s message is that He will help us as we repent. His grace is available to us “no matter where we are in the path of obedience.”²³ Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf has said: “God does not need people who are flawless. He seeks those who will offer their ‘heart and a willing mind’ [Doctrine and Covenants 64:34], and He will make them ‘perfect in Christ’ [Moroni 10:32–33].”...

His grace is not just a prize for the worthy. It is the “divine assistance” He gives that helps us become worthy. It is not just a reward for the righteous. It is the “endowment of strength” He gives that helps us become righteous.²⁷ We are not just walking toward God and Christ. We are walking with Them....

I promise those blessings and that joy are real and within reach for those who keep all the commandments and “him that seeketh so to do.”²⁹ When you feel like you have failed too many times to keep trying, remember Christ’s Atonement and the grace it makes possible are real.³⁰ “[His] arm of mercy is extended towards you.”³¹ You are loved—today, in 20 years, and forever.

Feeling God's Love

 

God’s Favourite

By Elder Karl D. Hirst

Of the Seventy

But perhaps you feel a long way from the love of God. Maybe there is a chorus of voices of discouragement and darkness that weighs into your thoughts, messages telling you that you are too wounded and confused, too weak and overlooked, too different or disoriented to warrant heavenly love in any real way. If you hear those ideas, then please hear this: those voices are just wrong. We can confidently disregard brokenness in any way disqualifying us from heavenly love—every time we sing the hymn that reminds us that our beloved and flawless Saviour chose to be “bruised, broken, [and] torn for us,” every time we take broken bread. Surely Jesus removes all shame from the broken. Through His brokenness, He became perfect, and He can make us perfect in spite of our brokenness. Broken, lonely, torn, and bruised He was—and we may feel we are—but separated from the love of God we are not. “Broken people, perfect love,” as the song goes.

Trust the Doctrine of Christ

 

Trusting the Doctrine of Christ

By Elder Evan A. Schmutz

Of the Seventy

If we trust the doctrine of Christ, we will trust Christ enough to live by His every word.¹⁴ We will make a lifelong study of Jesus Christ,¹⁵ His ministry, His teachings, and His infinite Atonement, including His glorious Resurrection. We will study His promises and the conditions upon which those promises are given.¹⁶ As we study, we will be filled with greater love for the Lord....

In God’s perfect plan, suffering with faith in Christ is linked to our becoming perfected in Christ.

Perfection isn't possible in family relationships

 

Finding the Divine Design in Our “Un-ideal” Family

By Jenet Erickson

Associate Professor, Department of Church History and Doctrine, Brigham Young University

Liahona Jan 2023

I have come to believe that “perfection” isn’t actually possible in family relationships, for anyone—at least in this life. But honesty, integrity, and genuine closeness are. In fact, pretending or expecting perfection will interfere with genuine closeness to God, our families, and others. Instead, as we allow ourselves to be seen as we truly are by Christ, our families, and others, including in all that is “less than ideal,” we can invite His sanctifying power into our lives. We can experience His miraculous power to reconcile the unresolvable, fill us with His love, and change us into beings that have deeper relationships with Him and our loved ones.

What were you born to do?

Wendy Watson Nelson

"My dear brothers and sisters, it's time to stop comparing ourselves with others. It's time to put away those erroneous views of ourselves and others. The truth is that we are not as hopelessly flawed as we may think, and others are not are perfect as they may appear- all except, of course, our Savior, Jesus Christ.

The only think that really matters is that you and I are doing exactly what we committed- even covenanted- premortally with our Heavenly Father we would do while we are here on earth. 

So, let me ask you are question: What were you born to do?"

Perfect = Fully Developed

In the Sermon on the Mount, the Savior commands us: “Be ye therefore perfect” (Matthew 5:48). The Greek word for perfect can be translated as “complete, finished, fully developed” (in Matthew 5:48, footnote b). Our Savior asks us to become complete, finished, fully developed—to be perfected in the virtues and attributes He and our Father in Heaven exemplify.

Elder Gerrit W. Gong, “Becoming Perfect in Christ,” Ensign, Jul 2014, 17.

God's Perfect Love

God’s Perfect Love

“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God’s love encompasses us completely. …

“Regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us.”

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Love of God,” Liahonaand Ensign, Nov. 2009, 22–23.

No Place for Mediocrity

"I hope that you do not plan to be just common but that you plan to excel. There is no place in this world for mediocrity; we need to strive for perfection. You can obtain perfection in so many areas as you seek and work toward the goals you have established."

Elder L. Tom Perry, "The Great Plan of Our God," Ensign, Feb 2009, 66.