THE Y REPORT

The Gift of Feedback

Spring 2023 Issue

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We naturally get defensive when someone criticizes us. Getting a D on a paper or having a family member knock the way you load the dishwasher stings. But giving and receiving feedback is crucial to our growth—at work, at school, and in our relationships.

While there are best practices for communicating criticism constructively, BYU business adjunct professor Elizabeth A. Dixon (BA ’92, MPA ’96) asserts that “[all] feedback is a gift—no matter how badly it’s wrapped.” Here are Dixon’s top tips on letting feedback help, not hurt.

Photo by Bradley Slade

What do you do when you get feedback that hurts?

A: Start by taking a breath. The amygdala—the emotional part of your brain—fires immediately when someone offers a difficult critique. Your amygdala doesn’t differentiate between an attack on your life and feedback. If you avoid immediately reacting, you can start processing.

Then zone in on the “what,” not the “who.” Focusing on who gave us the feedback can make us feel emotional and miss the chance to grow. Dig in and find the gift, even if it stings. (But please note that abuse is never feedback.)

How can you create a good environment for giving feedback?

A: First seek a relationship. Get to know your family, roommates, coworkers, and employees as children of God. Know that they have hopes and dreams and fears and doubts.

In day-to-day conversations, focus on what they are doing well. Praise, praise, praise. They’ll want to continue doing those things well. And when you do have a correction, you’ve created a relationship where you never have to sugarcoat anything. They know you care about them and believe that they’re capable. Give 90 percent praise and 10 percent constructive criticism.

What’s the best way to give feedback?

A: Offer it with love. Give the person the benefit of the doubt and remember that your picture of the situation is incomplete. Acknowledge their pressures and constraints. Talk in private.

Some people advocate for the “feedback sandwich”—two compliments with feedback in the middle. But the feedback sandwich usually has so much bread on the outside that the meat of the feedback is hidden, and the receiver does not even hear it. So you do need to be direct.

But if you’re just getting something off your chest, that’s not feedback—that’s anger and venting, and the Spirit leaves you. If you’re angry, write your thoughts down and throw the paper away. Feedback should always be given with the other person’s needs in mind. 

Doesn't Know Thoughts

Another significant limitation is that Satan does not know our thoughts unless we tell him. The Lord explained, “There is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart” (D&C 6:16).

Perhaps this is why the Lord has given us commandments such as “Do not murmur” (D&C 9:6) and “Thou shalt not speak evil of thy neighbor” (D&C 42:27). If you can learn to bridle your tongue (see James 1:26), you won’t end up giving too much information to the devil. When he hears murmuring, complaining, and criticizing, he takes careful notes. Your negative words expose your weaknesses to the enemy.

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The War Goes On

By Elder Larry R. Lawrence

Of the Seventy

Discipline = To Teach

“Our Father in Heaven exemplifies the pattern we should follow. He loves us, teaches us, is patient with us, and entrusts us with our agency. … Sometimes discipline, which means ‘to teach,’ is confused with criticism. Children—as well as people of all ages—improve behavior from love and encouragement more than from fault-finding.”

Susan W. Tanner, “Did I Tell You … ?” Ensign, May 2003, 74.

Criticizing Children

"Avoid criticizing your children, which can lead them to poor self-esteem and a lack of confidence; rather, find an emphasize the good in each of your children."

Sheree Lyn Clarke, "Talking About Tough Topics," Ensign, Mar 2015, 11.

Criticizing Leaders

President George Q. Cannon (1827–1901) knew President Brigham Young (1801–77) well, working closely with him for many years, both as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and as his counselor in the First Presidency. After the death of President Young, President Cannon wrote in his journal: “I never criticized or found fault with [Brigham Young’s] conduct, his counsel or his teachings at any time in my heart, much less in my words or actions. This is a pleasure to me now. The thought that ever was with me was: If I criticize or find fault with, or judge Brother Brigham, how far shall I go; if I commence, where shall I stop? I dared not to trust myself in such a course. I knew that apostasy frequently resulted from the indulgence of the spirit of criticizing and faultfinding.

George Q. Cannon, Journal, Jan. 17, 1878; spelling modernized.