Do We Look For the Best in Others?

 

Church Resources for Hope and Help

By Marissa Widdison

Church Magazines

Do we treat others with compassion, realizing that we don’t understand exactly what they are going through? Do we reach out in love, patiently walking with them even if the road is bumpy and uncertain? Do we look for the best in others instead of focusing on their weaknesses?

Compassion

 

The Savior’s Abiding Compassion

By Elder Ulisses Soares

Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

The Pharisee’s holier-than-thou attitude led him to judge unjustly both Jesus and the woman. But in His omniscience, the Savior knew Simon’s mind and, in great wisdom, challenged Simon’s condescending attitude, as well as admonished him for his lack of courtesy in receiving a special guest like the Savior into his home. In fact, Jesus’s direct rebuke of the Pharisee served as a witness that Jesus indeed possessed the gift of prophecy and that this woman, with a humble and contrite heart, was repentant and forgiven for her sins...

As do many other events during Jesus’s earthly ministry, this account demonstrates once more that the Savior acted compassionately toward all who would come unto Him—without distinction—and most especially toward those who most needed His help. The contrition and reverent love shown to Jesus by the woman were evidence of her sincere repentance and desire to receive a remission of her sins. However, Simon’s superiority complex, coupled with his hardened heart,⁴ prevented him from showing empathy for that repentant soul, and he referred even to the Savior of the world with indifference and contempt. His attitude revealed that his way of life was nothing more than a strict and hollow observance of rules and outward manifestations of his convictions through self-aggrandizement and false holiness.

Compassion is a fundamental characteristic of those who strive for sanctification, and this divine quality intertwines with other Christian traits such as mourning with those who mourn and having empathy, mercy, and kindness.⁹ The expression of compassion for others is, in fact, the essence of the gospel of Jesus Christ and a marked evidence of our spiritual and emotional closeness to the Savior. Furthermore, it shows the level of influence He has on our way of life and demonstrates the magnitude of our spirits....

Just like the sinful woman and the widow of Nain, many people within our circle of influence are seeking comfort, attention, inclusion, and any help that we can offer them. We all can be instruments in the Lord’s hands and act compassionately toward those in need, just as Jesus did....

My dear friends, as we intentionally strive to incorporate a compassionate attitude into our way of life, as exemplified by the Savior, we will become more sensitive to people’s needs. With that increased sensitivity, feelings of genuine interest and love will permeate our every action. The Lord will recognize our efforts, and we will surely be blessed with opportunities to be instruments in His hands in softening hearts and in bringing relief to those whose “hands … hang down.”¹²

Jesus’s admonition to Simon the Pharisee also made it clear that we should never make harsh and cruel judgment of our neighbor, because we are all in need of understanding and mercy for our imperfections from our loving Heavenly Father....

We need to consider that it is not easy to understand all the circumstances that contribute to someone’s attitude or reaction. Appearances can be deceptive and oftentimes do not represent an accurate measurement of someone’s behavior....

....the Lord fixes judgment upon those who take it upon themselves to judge the supposed shortcomings of others unrighteously. In order to qualify ourselves to make righteous judgments, we must strive to become like the Savior and look at the imperfections of individuals compassionately, even through His eyes. Considering we still have a long way to go to reach perfection, perhaps it would be better if we sit at Jesus’s feet and plead for mercy for our own imperfections, as did the repentant woman in the Pharisee’s house, and not spend so much time and energy fixating on the perceived imperfections of others.

My dear friends, I testify that as we strive to incorporate the Savior’s compassionate example into our lives, our capacity to compliment the virtues of our neighbors will increase and our natural instinct to judge their imperfections will decrease. Our communion with God will grow, and certainly our lives will become sweeter, our feelings more tender, and we will find a never-ending source of happiness. We will be known as peacemakers,¹⁹ whose words are as gentle as the dew of a spring morning.

I pray that we will become more long-suffering and understanding of others and that the Lord’s mercy will, in perfect meekness, soothe our impatience with their imperfections. This is the Savior’s invitation to us.

How Often are We Judging Others?

 

His Yoke Is Easy and His Burden Is Light

By Sister J. Anette Dennis

First Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency

The story is told of a man named Jack who had a beloved bird-hunting dog named Cassie. Jack was so proud of Cassie and often bragged about what a skilled dog she was. To prove this, Jack invited some friends to watch Cassie perform. After arriving at the hunting club, Jack let Cassie out to run around while he went inside to check in.

When it was time to begin, Jack was anxious to show off Cassie’s amazing skills. However, Cassie was acting strangely. She wouldn’t obey any of Jack’s commands as she usually did so willingly. All she wanted to do was remain by his side.

Jack was frustrated and embarrassed and angry with Cassie; soon he suggested they leave. Cassie wouldn’t even jump into the back of the truck, so Jack impatiently picked her up and shoved her in the kennel. He fumed as those with him made fun of his dog’s behavior all the way home. Jack couldn’t understand why Cassie was misbehaving. She had been trained well, and her whole desire in the past had been to please and serve him.

After arriving home, Jack began examining Cassie for injuries, burrs, or ticks, as he usually did. As he put his hand on her chest, he felt something wet and found his hand covered with blood. To his shame and horror, he found that Cassie had a long, wide gash right to her chest bone. He found another on her right front leg, also to the bone.

Jack took Cassie into his arms and began to cry. His shame at how he had misjudged and treated her was overwhelming. Cassie had been acting uncharacteristically earlier in the day because she was hurt. Her behavior had been influenced by her pain, her suffering, and her wounds. It had nothing to do with a lack of desire to obey Jack or a lack of love for him.¹

I heard this story years ago and have never forgotten it. How many wounded individuals do we have among us? How often do we judge others based on their outward appearance and actions, or lack of action, when, if we fully understood, we would instead react with compassion and a desire to help instead of adding to their burdens with our judgment?...

We are commanded to love others,⁶ not to judge them.⁷ Let’s lay down that heavy burden; it isn’t ours to carry.⁸ Instead, we can pick up the Savior’s yoke of love and compassion....

Elder Gary E. Stevenson said: “When we confront life’s wind and rainstorms, sickness and injuries, the Lord—our Shepherd, our Caregiver—will nourish us with love and kindness. He will heal our hearts and restore our souls.”¹¹ As followers of Jesus Christ, shouldn’t we do likewise?

The Savior asks us to learn of Him¹² and do the things we have seen Him do.¹³ He is the embodiment of charity, of pure love. As we incrementally learn to do what He asks of us—not out of duty or even for the blessings we might receive but purely out of love for Him and our Heavenly Father¹⁴—His love will flow through us and make all that He asks not only possible but eventually much easier and lighter¹⁵ and more joyful than we could ever imagine. It will take practice; it could take years, as it has for me, but as we even desire to have love be our motivating force, He can take that desire,¹⁶ that seed, and eventually turn it into a beautiful tree, full of the sweetest fruit.¹⁷

We sing in one of our beloved hymns: “Who am I to judge another when I walk imperfectly? In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can’t see.”¹⁸ Who among us might have hidden sorrows? The seemingly rebellious child or teenager, the children of divorce, the single mother or father, those with physical or mental health challenges, those questioning their faith, those who experience racial or cultural prejudice, those feeling alone, those longing to be married, those with unwanted addictions, and so many others dealing with a wide variety of challenging life experiences—often even those whose lives appear perfect on the surface.

None of us have perfect lives or perfect families; I certainly don’t. When we seek to empathize with others who also experience challenges and imperfections, it can help them feel that they are not alone in their struggles. Everyone needs to feel that they really do belong and are needed in the body of Christ.¹⁹ Satan’s great desire is to divide God’s children, and he has been very successful, but there is such power in unity.²⁰ And how we need to walk arm in arm with each other on this challenging journey of mortality!...

Friends, let us remember that each person on this earth is a child of God²³ and He loves each one.²⁴ Are there people in your path who you have felt inclined to judge? If so, remember that these are valuable opportunities for us to practice loving as the Savior loves.²⁵ As we follow His example, we can be yoked with Him and help foster a feeling of love and belonging in the hearts of all our Father’s children.

 THE Y REPORT

The Gift of Feedback

Spring 2023 Issue

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We naturally get defensive when someone criticizes us. Getting a D on a paper or having a family member knock the way you load the dishwasher stings. But giving and receiving feedback is crucial to our growth—at work, at school, and in our relationships.

While there are best practices for communicating criticism constructively, BYU business adjunct professor Elizabeth A. Dixon (BA ’92, MPA ’96) asserts that “[all] feedback is a gift—no matter how badly it’s wrapped.” Here are Dixon’s top tips on letting feedback help, not hurt.

Photo by Bradley Slade

What do you do when you get feedback that hurts?

A: Start by taking a breath. The amygdala—the emotional part of your brain—fires immediately when someone offers a difficult critique. Your amygdala doesn’t differentiate between an attack on your life and feedback. If you avoid immediately reacting, you can start processing.

Then zone in on the “what,” not the “who.” Focusing on who gave us the feedback can make us feel emotional and miss the chance to grow. Dig in and find the gift, even if it stings. (But please note that abuse is never feedback.)

How can you create a good environment for giving feedback?

A: First seek a relationship. Get to know your family, roommates, coworkers, and employees as children of God. Know that they have hopes and dreams and fears and doubts.

In day-to-day conversations, focus on what they are doing well. Praise, praise, praise. They’ll want to continue doing those things well. And when you do have a correction, you’ve created a relationship where you never have to sugarcoat anything. They know you care about them and believe that they’re capable. Give 90 percent praise and 10 percent constructive criticism.

What’s the best way to give feedback?

A: Offer it with love. Give the person the benefit of the doubt and remember that your picture of the situation is incomplete. Acknowledge their pressures and constraints. Talk in private.

Some people advocate for the “feedback sandwich”—two compliments with feedback in the middle. But the feedback sandwich usually has so much bread on the outside that the meat of the feedback is hidden, and the receiver does not even hear it. So you do need to be direct.

But if you’re just getting something off your chest, that’s not feedback—that’s anger and venting, and the Spirit leaves you. If you’re angry, write your thoughts down and throw the paper away. Feedback should always be given with the other person’s needs in mind. 

 

Infuriating Unfairness

By Elder Dale G. Renlund

Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

My heart aches for those who face such unfairness, but I declare with all my aching heart that Jesus Christ both understands unfairness and has the power to provide a remedy. Nothing compares to the unfairness He endured. It was not fair that He experienced all the pains and afflictions of mankind. It was not fair that He suffered for my sins and mistakes and for yours. But He chose to do so because of His love for us and for Heavenly Father. He understands perfectly what we are experiencing....

In mortality, we can “come boldly” to the Savior and receive compassion, healing, and help.⁷ Even while we suffer inexplicably, God can bless us in simple, ordinary, and significant ways. As we learn to recognize these blessings, our trust in God will increase. In the eternities, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ will resolve all unfairness. We understandably want to know how and when. How are They going to do that? When are They going to do it? To my knowledge, They have not revealed how or when.⁸ What I do know is that They will....

Brothers and sisters, not throwing stones is the first step in treating others with compassion. The second step is to try to catch stones thrown by others....

When faced with unfairness, we can push ourselves away from God or we can be drawn toward Him for help and support....

Do not let unfairness harden you or corrode your faith in God. Instead, ask God for help. Increase your appreciation for and reliance on the Savior. Rather than becoming bitter, let Him help you become better.²⁶ Allow Him to help you persevere, to let your afflictions be “swallowed up in the joy of Christ.”²⁷ Join Him in His mission “to heal the brokenhearted,”²⁸ strive to mitigate unfairness, and become a stonecatcher....

All unfairness—especially infuriating unfairness—will be consecrated for your gain. I

Helping Family Love During Family Reunions

Compassion and Forgiveness in Our Families

By Andrea Lystrup

Marriage and Family Therapist

The author lives in Washington, D.C., USA.

Why does compassion need to come before change? Partly because when we’re constantly criticized, our sense of self-worth diminishes, along with the hope that we can improve our lives....

Extending compassion conveys to those around us that they are worthy of love as they are. Forgiveness takes it a step further and communicates that we have stopped feeling angry toward them. Forgiveness replaces bitterness with love and allows us to move on. Sometimes others hurt us in such a way that it seems impossible to stop feeling bitter and angry. This is where we must let the power of the Savior’s Atonement work in our lives.

I have seen time and time again that relationships do not improve without the broken heart and the contrite spirit that we hear about so often in the scriptures (see 3 Nephi 9:20; Doctrine and Covenants 59:8). These conditions can be achieved by accepting and forgiving our loved ones and will allow us to begin making the small steps that lead to increased peace and love in our lives.