Helpful or Hurtful?

 

Seeing God’s Family through the Overview Lens

By Sister Tamara W. Runia

First Counselor in the Young Women General Presidency

Sometimes all we can see is that up-close, magnified view of those we love. Tonight, I invite you to zoom out and look through a different lens—an eternal lens that focuses on the big picture, your bigger story....

Before we interact with a loved one, can we ask ourselves the question “Is what I’m about to do or say helpful or hurtful?” Our words are one of our superpowers, and family members are like human blackboards, standing in front of us saying, “Write what you think of me!” These messages, whether intentional or unintentional, should be hopeful and encouraging.⁵

Our job is not to teach someone who’s going through a rough patch that they are bad or disappointing. On rare occasions we may feel prompted to correct, but most often let’s tell our loved ones in spoken and unspoken ways the messages they long to hear: “Our family feels whole and complete because you are in it.” “You will be loved for the rest of your life—no matter what.”

Sometimes what we need is empathy more than advice; listening more than a lecture; someone who hears and wonders, “How would I have to feel to say what they just said?”

Remember, families are a God-given laboratory where we’re figuring things out, so missteps and miscalculations are not just possible but probable. And wouldn’t it be interesting if, at the end of our lives, we could see that those relationships, even those challenging moments, were the very things that helped us to become more like our Savior? Each difficult interaction is an opportunity to learn how to love at a deeper level—a godlike level.⁶

Let’s zoom out to view family relationships as a powerful vehicle to teach us the lessons we came here to learn as we turn to the Savior....

While our families aren’t perfect, we can perfect our love for others until it becomes a constant, unchanging, no-matter-what kind of love—the type of love that supports change and allows for growth and return....

Love is the thing that changes hearts. It is the purest motive of all, and others can feel it.

Perfection isn't possible in family relationships

 

Finding the Divine Design in Our “Un-ideal” Family

By Jenet Erickson

Associate Professor, Department of Church History and Doctrine, Brigham Young University

Liahona Jan 2023

I have come to believe that “perfection” isn’t actually possible in family relationships, for anyone—at least in this life. But honesty, integrity, and genuine closeness are. In fact, pretending or expecting perfection will interfere with genuine closeness to God, our families, and others. Instead, as we allow ourselves to be seen as we truly are by Christ, our families, and others, including in all that is “less than ideal,” we can invite His sanctifying power into our lives. We can experience His miraculous power to reconcile the unresolvable, fill us with His love, and change us into beings that have deeper relationships with Him and our loved ones.

Control our evil desires

Giving Our Spirits Control over Our Bodies
BY PRESIDENT M. RUSSELL BALLARD Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

I suppose most of us fail to fully appreciate what others do for us until they are gone. I knew Barbara was always busy, but I did not fully understand the constant family, Church, and community demands upon her time. There were daily consecrated efforts repeated thousands of times through the years that kept our family functioning. And through it all, no one in our family ever heard her raise her voice or say an unkind word....

#goals

Brothers and sisters, please do not miss an opportunity to look into the eyes of your family members with love. Children and parents, reach out to each other and express your love and appreciation. Like me, some of you may wake up one day to discover that the time for such important communication has passed. Live each day together with hearts filled with gratitude, good memories, service, and much love....

It seems clear to me that one of the most important things we can learn in this life is how to emphasize our eternal spiritual nature and control our evil desires....

#coveting #judging

Learning to choose the things of the Spirit over the things of the flesh is one of the primary reasons why this earthly experience is part of Heavenly Father’s plan. It’s also why the plan is built upon the solid, sure foundation of the Atonement of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ so that our sins, including the errors we make when we yield to the flesh, can be overcome through constant repentance and we can live spiritually focused. Now is the time to control our bodily appetites to comply with the spiritual doctrine of Christ. That is why we must not procrastinate the day of our repentance....

Every night as I review my day in prayer with my Father in Heaven, I ask to be forgiven if I did anything wrong and promise to try to be better tomorrow. I believe this regular daily repentance helps my spirit remind my body who is in charge of me....

Brothers and sisters, I encourage you to slow down a bit and think about where you are now in subjugating your carnal nature and empowering your divine, spiritual nature so when the time comes, you may pass into the spirit world to a joyful reunion with your loved ones

Helping Family Love During Family Reunions

Compassion and Forgiveness in Our Families

By Andrea Lystrup

Marriage and Family Therapist

The author lives in Washington, D.C., USA.

Why does compassion need to come before change? Partly because when we’re constantly criticized, our sense of self-worth diminishes, along with the hope that we can improve our lives....

Extending compassion conveys to those around us that they are worthy of love as they are. Forgiveness takes it a step further and communicates that we have stopped feeling angry toward them. Forgiveness replaces bitterness with love and allows us to move on. Sometimes others hurt us in such a way that it seems impossible to stop feeling bitter and angry. This is where we must let the power of the Savior’s Atonement work in our lives.

I have seen time and time again that relationships do not improve without the broken heart and the contrite spirit that we hear about so often in the scriptures (see 3 Nephi 9:20; Doctrine and Covenants 59:8). These conditions can be achieved by accepting and forgiving our loved ones and will allow us to begin making the small steps that lead to increased peace and love in our lives.

Be a Better Parent

The Functional Family

By James D. MacArthur, PhD

Director, Counseling and Career Center, Brigham Young University

Sometimes as parents we slip into the role of a manager seeking to control our children because we expect a desired result. The problem with this approach is that children resist coercion or compulsion, especially as they get older. We will be more effective the less we act as managers and the more we act as coaches, consultants, and guides. That means that we teach our children correct principles and, as their maturity and experience allow, continue to grant them greater latitude to make choices and reap the consequences....

One of the best ways parents can strengthen their families is to establish a specific time each week to discuss how the family is doing.

Examples of unintentional though often harmful messages include ignoring or being impatient with a child. If you are too busy to spend time with your son or daughter, you might be sending the message “You are not very important to me.” ...

talk together; play together; spend one-on-one time together; send letters, cards, or notes sharing your affection; give compliments; do something fun and unexpected; say, “I love you”; listen to the other person; ask him or her to help you on a project; share personal feelings...

• Do I want my children to be patient? Yes, so I try to be as patient with them as I can.
• Do I want my children to relax, have fun, and learn to enjoy life? Yes, because I believe these qualities are vital to developing healthy, happy relationships. I try to have fun with my children as often as I can.
• Do I want my children to read the scriptures and wholesome books? Yes, so I make sure they see me reading, and I read to them.
• Do I want my children to care about family relationships? Yes, so I kiss and hug them, smile at them, listen to them, play with them, and share personal experiences with them.

We as parents need to live worthy of the guidance of the Holy Ghost at all times, especially when things get tough...

Remember to be patient with yourself and your family members.

Prayers in Your Family

“Our Father Which Art in Heaven”

Elder L. Tom Perry

Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Our prophets have admonished us repeatedly to make family prayer a regular part of our daily worship. President John Taylor asked the Saints:

“Do you have prayers in your family? …

“And when you do, do you go through the operation like the guiding of a piece of machinery, or do you bow in meekness and with a sincere desire to seek the blessing of God upon you and your household? That is the way that we ought to do, and cultivate a spirit of devotion and trust in God, dedicating ourselves to him, and seeking his blessings.” (Journal of Discourses, 21:118.)

Live Closer to the Lord

Benediction

President Gordon B. Hinckley

Ensign, May 2003

Saints, I offer a plea that each of us will seek to live closer to the Lord and to commune with Him more frequently and with increased faith.

Fathers and mothers, pray over your children. Pray that they may be shielded from the evils of the world. Pray that they may grow in faith and knowledge. Pray that they may be directed toward lives that will be profitable and good. Husbands, pray for your wives. Express unto the Lord your gratitude for them and plead with Him in their behalf. Wives, pray for your husbands. Many of them walk a very difficult road with countless problems and great perplexities. Plead with the Almighty that they may be guided, blessed, protected, inspired in their righteous endeavors.....

Pray for wisdom and understanding as you walk the difficult paths of your lives. If you are determined to do foolish and imprudent things, I think the Lord will not prevent you. But if you seek His wisdom and follow the counsel of the impressions that come to you, I am confident that you will be blessed.

Bickerings

"The greatest difficulty that exists in the little bickerings and strifes of [families]... arises from the want to rightly understanding each other."

"Anger should never be permitted to rise in our bosoms, and words suggested by angry feelings should never be permitted to pass our lips."

Brigham Young

More Than Blood Relations

"When we realize that parents and family members can be more than blood relations and are in deed friends, then we will have a glimpse of how our Heavenly Father wants us to live, to only as brothers and sisters, but as very close friends."

Marvin J. Ashton

Change Hearts and Minds on the Importance of Children

• MARCH 2018
• WHEN EVIL APPEARS GOOD AND GOOD APPEARS EVIL

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When Evil Appears Good and Good Appears Evil

By Elder Quentin L. Cook

Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

From a devotional address, “A Banquet of Consequences: The Cumulative Result of All Choices,” given at Brigham Young University on February 7, 2017. For the full address, visit speeches.byu.edu.

Nevertheless, Lucifer has supported abortion and in a horrific paradigm shift has convinced many people that children represent lost opportunity and misery instead of joy and happiness.

As Latter-day Saints, we must be at the forefront of changing hearts and minds on the importance of children. The attacks on the family I just described ultimately result in grief and misery.

Totally Unfair

Keep Trying

By Elder Marvin J. Ashton (1915–94)

Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

From “If Thou Endure It Well,” Ensign, Nov. 1984, 20–22.

When family members disappoint us, we especially need to learn endurance. As long as we exercise love, patience, and understanding, even when no progress is apparent, we are not failing. We must keep trying. …

… Greatness is best measured by how well an individual responds to the happenings in life that appear to be totally unfair, unreasonable, and undeserved. …

#aang

Give More of Yourself

"May I suggest that we give more of ourselves... It might be something as simple as smiling more on your home. What would you think of speaking more cheerfully? Try more often to say please and thank you? What would you think of finding an opportunity for one sincere compliment for each person each day, then watching them respond? What if you decided to be more cheerful at the dinner table, and in spite of what others might do or say, hold to your course. See how long you can uplift your whole family."

H. Burke Peterson

Contention in Families

Contention can spread like poison through families or any relationship, dividing us from those with whom we should be closest. Because the Spirit departs when discord erupts (see 3 Nephi 11:29), arguments can leave us floundering without the Lord’s help and guidance.4

Family members should feel safe to share honestly how they feel, and they should speak these feelings with patience and understanding. The family should be a secure place for members to be themselves.

“Unity, harmony, goodwill are virtues to be fostered and cherished in every home,” taught President David O. McKay (1873–1970).5 He also observed, “Slander is poison to the soul.”6 The home should be a place where family members are confident that they will not be gossiped about or disparaged. In a united family, everyone respects each other.

• DECEMBER 2016
• WHY IS UNITY IMPORTANT?

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Why Is Unity Important?

By Barbara A. Lewis

The author lives in Utah, USA.

You Just Live Worthy of the Celestial Kingdom

• AUGUST 2016
• THE HOPE OF ETERNAL FAMILY LOVE

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FIRST PRESIDENCY MESSAGE

The Hope of Eternal Family Love

By President Henry B. Eyring

First Counselor in the First Presidency

A prophet of God once offered me counsel that gives me peace. I was worried that the choices of others might make it impossible for our family to be together forever. He said, “You are worrying about the wrong problem. You just live worthy of the celestial kingdom, and the family arrangements will be more wonderful than you can imagine.”

Family Relationships

We owe our families the kind of relationship we can take into the presence of God. We must try not to give offense or take offense. We can determine to forgive quickly and fully. We can try to seek the happiness of others above our own. We can be kind in our speech. As we try to do all these things, we will invite the Holy Ghost into our families and into our lives.

• JUNE 2015
• FAMILIES CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER

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FIRST PRESIDENCY MESSAGE

Families Can Be Together Forever

By President Henry B. Eyring

First Counselor in the First Presidency

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Diminish the Influence of Evil

To sisters who wonder if these seemingly quiet contributions make a difference, Elder Ballard affirms: “Every sister who stands for truth and righteousness diminishes the influence of evil. Every sister who strengthens and protects her family is doing the work of God. Every sister who lives as a woman of God becomes a beacon for others to follow and plants seeds of righteous influence that will be harvested for decades to come.”

M. Russell Ballard, Liahona, Dec. 2002, 39; Ensign, Mar. 2002, 70.

We All Have Work to Do

We All Have Work To Do

“We have to work together to make a family succeed. But it’s not something we can do by assignment. It’s a matter of the heart. Children and parents have to have in their hearts a desire to make each other happy.”

Elder D. Lee Tobler (served as a member of the Seventy from 1998 to 2003), “Homegrown Happiness,” New Era,Feb. 2004, 12.

Mealtime

President Ezra Taft Benson taught, “Happy conversation, sharing of the day’s plans and activities, and special teaching moments occur at mealtime because mothers and fathers and children work at it.”

Parents can also take advantage of bedtime to increase quality time with their children. 

Ezra Taft Benson, To the Mothers in Zion (pamphlet, 1987).

Families are the Priority

We strengthen our families when we set aside undisturbed time to be together. Elder Oaks taught, “Parents should act to preserve time for family prayer, family scripture study, family home evening, and the other precious togetherness and individual one-on-one time that binds a family together and fixes children’s values on things of eternal worth.”

Dallin H. Oaks, “Good, Better, Best,” Liahona and Ensign, Nov. 2007, 105.

A mission to visit relatives and friends

Our fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters and friends who have passed away from this earth, having been faithful, and worthy to enjoy these rights and privileges, may have a mission given them to visit their relatives and friends upon the earth again, bringing from the Divine Presence messages of love, of warning, of reproof and instruction, to those whom they had learned to love in the flesh.

Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed. (1939), 436.