Peacemaking, she insists, isn’t stepping away, being quiet, letting things lie, bottling up feelings, or backing out of disagreements. “Peacemaking is not pacifism,” Taylor says. Peace is made; it is active and creative. Peacemakers, adds Witesman, are builders. “They’re actively building a vision of the world while also lovingly working with people who share a different vision of the world.”...
“Contention is when you have hostile feelings,” notes Taylor. “The fact that there are incompatible goals stirs up very negative emotions. The Book of Mormon often describes people ‘stirred up to anger’—that’s contention.” Conflict arises everywhere—even among disciples. But Taylor says we can learn to keep from being contentious....
“We really get into problems,” he says of political disagreements, “if we think of ourselves as Republicans or Democrats first, as opposed to children of God.” Elevating other labels, political or not, above that primary identity divides and obscures. “Heading into a divisive election year, we need to remember who we are and who everyone else is.”...
What Do You Need?
Begin any conversation regarding conflict or disagreement by considering what you need from the discussion. What’s the goal of addressing the issue? Is there something you need the other person to understand, do, or change as a result? Taylor says to express that need directly: “Express a personal feeling, tag it with a need, and make a specific, concrete request.”
She gives the example of finding out her son wasn’t doing his math homework. She was tempted to just send a blunt text: “Do your homework.” Instead, she first communicated her needs: “I’m concerned that you’re not doing your math. I need to know that you’re fulfilling your school obligations before doing other things. Will you be sure to get your homework done first before you head out with friends tonight?”
Make Generous Assumptions
Approach disagreements with openness and optimism. Assume “that the other side has good intentions,” says DeTienne. Her recent research shows that assuming good intentions is more likely to lead to win-win outcomes—and to keep both parties on their best behavior.
As you ask questions and listen to the responses, be curious. “You might say, ‘Hey, I’m curious about what it’s like to live on the Arizona border with immigration from Mexico. I don’t have that experience. Can you tell me what that was like for you?” suggests Taylor. Ask follow-up questions, seeking to understand instead of to argue. “As people share, you don’t have to agree with them, but you may recognize the logic behind why they believe what they do,” Taylor says.
As they share, listen. “Don’t think about what you’re going to say next,” adds Hawkins. “You’re not trying to ask questions that trip somebody up or that prove a point. Instead, ask, ‘So how did you come to that view? Tell me more about why you think that.’” ...
And he says we should be on guard against defensiveness: “When our worldview is challenged directly, . . . the gut reaction is defense”—we build walls, verbally attack, and dismiss the other person. A better way: simply validate the other person’s experience and remember their dignity as a child of God. Wade into the discomfort and see what you can learn. ...
A Conversation Worth Having?
Not every disagreement needs to be addressed. When the topic isn’t important to you and the relationship isn’t close, it’s fine to avoid. For example, if your cousin wants to discuss a favorite political conspiracy at dinner, you might choose to step away rather than engage. In situations like these, Taylor pulls out her go-to line: “That’s a really tough topic. I don’t think I’m prepared to talk about that right now.”
If a situation becomes unsafe, it’s not worth having the conversation. If there’s intoxication or threats of violence, walk away. “If people are swearing, name-calling, or attacking, exit the conversation immediately. Same if they keep asking baiting questions,” Hawkins says. “These conversations are not meant for toxic situations.” Nor are they meant for abusive or unhealthy relationships, which are best mediated by a therapist....
Ask Permission
Before you launch into a debate with a neighbor about the candidate on their yard sign or initiate a discussion with your spouse about their approach to discipline, Hawkins recommends pausing to ask for permission to engage. She suggests something like: “Can I ask you a few questions about your perspective? I’d really like to understand where you are coming from.” This approach, she notes, puts people at ease and signals that you aren’t there to force or mock or manipulate. And if the other person is not prepared to talk, you may need to schedule an important conversation for later—for example, after your spouse has a chance to decompress after work....
Mind the Temperature
It doesn’t take much for conflict to flare into full-blown contention. “Be really careful about anything you do that seems to be aggravating the situation or escalating the conflict,” says DeTienne. Her research shows that conflict can be cyclical, building on itself. “Aggravating behavior tends to escalate the conflict. Be careful about your part in that.”
If you feel your heart rate rising, if you’re feeling emotionally unable to converse respectfully or are feeling attacked, Witesman says it might be time for a break. “In the heat of the moment, it’s good to take a pause and step back,” she says. You might need some physical space or to take a minute to mentally gather yourself before continuing....
When a conflict becomes contentious, Glade encourages apologizing in the moment. She recommends starting with something like, “Now I’m saying things that aren’t reflective of my goal. Can we start this again? I’ve said some things I need to apologize for.”...
“If it’s a severe hurt, assume that it’s going to take some time to repair.”
Sometimes you are the injured party. “Forgiveness is peacemaking,” says Witesman. “Forgiveness doesn’t mean permission or access to hurt me again or that I now agree with your viewpoint. Forgiveness sets down the burden of anger and pain and allows the Savior to handle those things, freeing you to be a peacemaker and to have empathy.”...
aw student Jenneka Lindorf Austen (BS ’99, JD ’24), a mediator at the Center for Peace and Conflict Resolution, says speaking to understand and be understood—rather than to persuade—opens hearts. “When someone feels like you’re just trying to persuade them, they’re going to resist. But when people feel understood, they’re way more likely to come your way and find resolution, oddly enough.”
Hawkins suggests using “I statements.” For instance: “I’m worried about what’s happening to the Great Salt Lake,” rather than, “If you don’t stop using so much water, the Great Salt Lake is going to dry up.” Use phrasing such as, “from my perspective,” “I see it this way,” and “in my experience,” rather than presenting your side as the absolute truth. “Mention areas of agreement if you see them,” she adds. “Share life experiences and personal stories.”
https://magazine.byu.edu/article/blessed-are-the-peacemakers/
