What Forgiveness is Not

 

What It Means and Doesn’t Mean to Forgive

By Bruce K. Fordham

Studying and pondering the scriptures and teachings of latter-day prophets will reveal how you can know and feel the essence of forgiveness—and what it is not. Once you learn these concepts, you begin to realize how releasing resentment can be profoundly healing, bringing peace to your warring heart.²

President James E. Faust (1920–2007), who served as Second Counselor in the First Presidency, said, “If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.”...

What Forgiveness Is Not

To better understand what it means to forgive others, it can be helpful to understand what forgiveness does not entail.

First, you don’t have to trust the forgiven party once the forgiveness process is complete. For example, let’s say that you had a nice pair of running shoes that I coveted so much that I stole them from you. A short time later I felt guilty for the theft, so I returned the shoes to you, pleading for forgiveness. You responded with a forgiving reply, and I went on my way. But let’s suppose that I approached you later and asked if I could borrow those shoes. Hesitantly, you indicated that you had forgiven me, but it would be a while before you felt that you could trust me again. Time is often needed for healing and trust....

Third, forgiveness doesn’t mean that the other individual determines how you feel. Forgiveness means realizing that you determine how you feel by managing your thoughts and by being a true disciple of Christ. Again, in the example of the stolen shoes, if you told me that I was forgiven but you felt resentment each time you saw me, a deeper sense of forgiveness would obviously be required.

Fourth, forgiveness doesn’t require close association with the person who is forgiven. Forgiveness is an internal process, requiring the releasing of resentment. It doesn’t necessarily mean elevating the forgiven individual to the state of a close friend or associate. For some individuals who cross our life’s path, it is appropriate to love them from a distance....

The folly of rehashing long-past hurts does not bring happiness.”